I have been a terrible mother

I have been a terrible mother. 

Not to my children.... I arrived at the good enough place with motherhood a while ago. However, over the last few weeks, as I look at the pots of seeds I planted months ago with despair, I notice a pang of guilt. 

22 pots of sunflower seeds which had a good start, I had the best of intentions. 

I kept them indoors until the frost abated, watering them, and keeping them well. And then, when the sun returned, I placed them outside - and they loved it, they began to grow. 

 

Little by little - tiny green shoots sprang forth from the brown “eco-friendly” self-compostable pots. An inch or two of firm stems emerged, hope sprang forth into tiny threads of unseen roots. 

 

And I – got busy. 

 

Too busy to water, too busy to take them in, too busy to notice, too busy to care. 

I abandoned my sunflower seeds and they have all died. 

 

I see them every day, the pots have broken, and my feet have pushed the tray in which they were contained to one side - a futile attempt to protect myself from feeling “bad”. 

 

I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed it before, but today was the day I did. 

One seed must have escaped the perils of the dried out, uncared for pots. One seed, despite the lack of love and tenderness has chosen to grow. It has defied all odds. It found a crack in the patio, and it is growing healthy and strong. 

 

Today was the day I found it. 8 inches of strong stem, a healthy crown of leaves. And today is the day I will begin to take notice. 

 

It is incredible isn’t it, that despite all - this sunflower will not just survive..... it will thrive.